A background to the framework for the book
Read below to see why ACT was chosen
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) isn't therapy-speak or corporate wellness jargon. It's a research-backed psychological framework that's been used by military units, emergency responders, and elite athletes to perform under pressure. This page explains what ACT is, why it's the foundation of Men On Menopause, and why it works particularly well for men navigating relationship challenges.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) isn't therapy-speak or corporate wellness jargon. It's a research-backed psychological framework that's been used by military units, emergency responders, and elite athletes to perform under pressure. This page explains what ACT is, why it's the foundation of Men On Menopause, and why it works particularly well for men navigating relationship challenges.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (pronounced as the word "act," not the letters) is a form of behavioural psychology that focuses on psychological flexibility: the ability to stay present with difficult thoughts and feelings while taking action guided by your values.
Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Steven C. Hayes at the University of Nevada, along with colleagues Kelly Wilson and Kirk Strosahl, ACT emerged from decades of research into how humans process difficult experiences and what actually helps people build resilience.
Unlike traditional approaches that focus on reducing symptoms or "fixing" negative thoughts, ACT takes a different stance: it's not about feeling good, it's about living well.
ACT recognises something counterintuitive but powerful: trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotions often makes things worse. When you're constantly fighting anxiety, anger, or frustration, you're locked in a battle you can't win. You end up rigid, exhausted, and disconnected from what matters.
Instead, ACT teaches psychological flexibility through six core processes:
Acceptance – Making room for difficult emotions without fighting them
Cognitive Defusion – Seeing thoughts as mental events, not facts
Being Present – Staying engaged with what's happening now
Self as Context – Accessing the "observing self" that notices without judging
Values – Clarifying what truly matters to you
Committed Action – Taking steps aligned with those values, even when it's hard
Men are often told they need to "talk about their feelings" or "process their emotions." ACT doesn't require endless self-analysis. It asks one practical question: "What would the man you want to be do right now?"
This shifts the focus from how you feel to how you act, from internal states you can't control to behaviours you can choose.
ACT was developed studying how people handle extreme circumstances: chronic pain, PTSD, terminal illness. Dr. Russ Harris, one of ACT's leading practitioners and authors, has adapted these principles for use with military personnel, first responders, and people in high-stakes professions.
When your partner goes through menopause, you're dealing with your own version of pressure: unpredictable emotional terrain, relationship uncertainty, and the need to stay functional while everything shifts. ACT gives you tools designed for exactly these conditions.
One of the most frustrating aspects of menopause for male partners is the loss of control. You can't fix her hormones. You can't make the symptoms stop. You can't schedule when emotional storms will hit.
ACT doesn't tell you to "let go" or "surrender" in some vague spiritual sense. It asks you to distinguish clearly:
What's outside your control: Her biology, her reactions, the timeline of menopause
What's within your control: Your responses, your values, your choices in each moment
This isn't resignation. It's strategic focus, putting your energy where it actually makes a difference.
The book uses specific ACT models that translate abstract concepts into practical tools:
The Choice Point – A simple map showing the moment when you can choose between reactive patterns (away moves) and values-based responses (toward moves). Every time you pause before reacting, you're at a Choice Point.
The Observing Self – The part of you that notices what you're thinking and feeling without becoming it. When you can say "I'm noticing anger right now" instead of "I am angry," you've activated your Observing Self.
Values Clarification – Not vague aspirations like "be a good partner," but specific qualities you can embody in this moment: patience, honesty, courage, compassion.
These aren't just metaphors. They're field-tested decision-making tools that work under real pressure.
ACT isn't new-age philosophy. It's backed by over 40 years of research and more than 1,000 peer-reviewed studies. The evidence shows ACT is effective for:
Chronic pain management
Anxiety and depression
PTSD and trauma
Relationship stress
Work-related burnout
Performance under pressure
A 2012 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioural Science found ACT to be as effective as traditional Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for anxiety and depression, with particular advantages in building long-term psychological flexibility and resilience.
Research by Dr. Steven Hayes and colleagues has demonstrated that psychological flexibility is one of the strongest predictors of mental health and wellbeing. People who can accept difficult emotions while staying connected to their values consistently report:
Better relationship satisfaction
Greater resilience during life transitions
Improved emotional regulation
Higher quality of life even in challenging circumstances
This matters for men navigating menopause because the challenges aren't going away quickly. Hormonal transitions can last years. What you need isn't a quick fix, it's sustainable resilience. That's exactly what psychological flexibility provides.
Dr. Steven C. Hayes is Nevada Foundation Professor of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno. He's the originator of ACT and Relational Frame Theory (the behavioural science underlying ACT).
Hayes has published more than 600 scientific articles and 47 books, including Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, which brought ACT to a mainstream audience. His work revolutionised how psychologists think about human suffering, not as something to eliminate, but as something to accept while living meaningfully.
What's remarkable about Hayes is his transparency: he's openly discussed his own struggles with panic attacks and how ACT principles helped him navigate his darkest periods. This isn't armchair psychology, it's lived experience validated by rigorous research.
Dr. Russ Harris is a medical practitioner, psychotherapist, and one of the world's leading ACT trainers. His books, including The Happiness Trap and ACT Made Simple, have translated ACT's academic foundations into practical, no-nonsense guidance.
Harris developed The Choice Point model that's central to Men On Menopause. His work focuses on making ACT accessible to people who aren't interested in therapy but need practical tools for real-life challenges.
What makes Harris's approach perfect for this book is his directness. He doesn't sugarcoat difficulty or promise easy answers. He presents ACT as what it is: a set of skills you develop through practice, not a magic solution that works overnight.
Every chapter in the book returns to this fundamental question: Are you making a toward move (aligned with your values) or an away move (driven by discomfort)?
When your partner snaps at you for something trivial, you're at a Choice Point:
Away move: Snap back, shut down, storm off
Toward move: Take a breath, recognise she's struggling, respond with patience
Both options make sense in the moment. The Choice Point helps you see which one serves the man you want to be.
The book asks you to identify your core relationship values, not abstract ideals, but concrete qualities you can embody right now. When everything else is uncertain, your values remain constant.
If "being a supportive partner" is a core value, that guides your response even when you're exhausted, frustrated, or confused. You're not performing, you're acting from who you choose to be.
Throughout the book, you'll encounter the concept of the Observing Self, the part of you that notices thoughts and feelings without being controlled by them.
This isn't mystical. It's the simple recognition: "I'm feeling defensive" versus "I am defensive." That small shift creates space for choice. And in that space, you can act consciously rather than react automatically.
ACT doesn't ask you to accept unacceptable behaviour or tolerate mistreatment. It asks you to accept what you cannot change (her hormonal transition, the timeline, some of the difficulty) while taking action on what you can influence (your responses, your self-care, your communication).
This distinction is crucial. Acceptance isn't passive. It's strategic, acknowledging reality so you can work with it rather than waste energy fighting what won't change.
Many relationship interventions require both partners to engage. Couples therapy, communication workshops, relationship books all work better when both people are involved.
ACT-based approaches work even when your partner isn't ready to engage. You can practice psychological flexibility, make Choice Points, and act on your values regardless of what she's doing. This matters enormously when menopause has left her too overwhelmed or frustrated to work on the relationship actively.
Traditional approaches often require significant time, energy, and mental bandwidth. ACT recognises you're already stretched thin. The tools are designed to work in 30-second intervals: a single breath, one Choice Point, a quick values check.
You don't need hours of journaling or meditation. You need practical micro-interventions that work in real moments when the stakes are high and time is short.
The psychological flexibility you develop navigating menopause doesn't just help with menopause. It prepares you for every other life challenge: job stress, health issues, family crises, your own ageing process.
You're not learning "menopause coping strategies." You're developing fundamental life capabilities that serve you for decades.
When Bob felt overwhelmed during a difficult patch with his wife, he didn't try to "tough it out" or "fix his feelings." He recognised he needed space, walked to the duck pond, caught his breath, and returned with more capacity to be present.
That's ACT: accepting his emotional state, choosing action (the walk) aligned with his values (being a supportive partner), and creating the conditions to show up better.
Darren started by trying to solve Lisa's menopause like a work problem: analyse, strategise, implement. When that failed, he shifted to an ACT-informed approach: staying present with her experience, accepting he couldn't fix it, and finding "pegs to hang things on"—small frameworks that helped him make sense without needing to control.
Pete noticed he and Liz were caught in "circular patterns", reactive loops where both were triggered and neither could break free. Using Choice Point thinking, he started recognising these patterns in real-time and choosing to pause rather than engage.
That's the Observing Self in action: noticing the pattern without being trapped by it.
No. ACT doesn't tell you to think positive or reframe negative thoughts. It teaches you to notice thoughts without being controlled by them. "I'm failing at this" can be present without stopping you from acting effectively.
Opposite. ACT is about making room for emotions, not fighting them. When you accept that frustration, sadness, or anger are present, you stop wasting energy trying to eliminate them and can focus on effective action.
Not at all. ACT distinguishes clearly between acceptance (acknowledging what you can't change) and action (committing to what you can influence). Acceptance creates clarity; it doesn't justify inaction.
The underlying theory is sophisticated, but the practice is simple. The Choice Point fits on a single page. Values clarification takes 15 minutes. The Observing Self is accessed with one breath.
Books by Russ Harris:
The Happiness Trap – General introduction to ACT principles
ACT Made Simple – More technical but highly practical
The Confidence Gap – ACT applied to fear and self-doubt
Books by Steven Hayes:
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life – The original ACT self-help book
A Liberated Mind – Hayes's most recent and accessible overview
Online Resources:
Russ Harris's website: www.russharris.com – Free resources, worksheets, videos
Steven Hayes's site: stevenchayes.com – Research, articles, podcasts
The Happiness Trap app – Guided ACT exercises for daily practice
You don't need to master ACT theory to benefit from it. Start with three practices:
Daily Choice Point check-in – Once per day, notice a moment when you chose a toward move instead of an away move
Values clarity – Identify 3-5 core relationship values and write them down where you'll see them
Observing Self practice – When emotions run high, say to yourself: "I'm noticing [emotion] right now"
That's it. Three micro-practices that build psychological flexibility over time.
Men On Menopause could have been built on any number of psychological approaches: traditional CBT, attachment theory, emotionally focused therapy, or basic communication skills.
ACT was chosen for specific reasons:
It respects male psychology – action-oriented, values-driven, practical
It works under pressure – designed for difficult circumstances, not ideal conditions
It requires no buy-in from partner – you can practice it unilaterally
It builds transferable skills – not just for menopause, but for life
It's evidence-based – backed by decades of research, not pop psychology
It's accessible – no complex jargon, just clear frameworks
My own training in ACT, including a two-day intensive workshop with Dr. Russ Harris, gave me direct experience with these frameworks before adapting them for men navigating menopause. Learning from one of ACT's leading practitioners showed me how powerful these tools are when applied to real-life pressure situations, not just in therapeutic settings.
Most importantly, ACT asks the question that matters most when you're navigating your partner's menopause: "Who do I want to be in this moment?"
Not "How do I feel?" Not "What should I do?" But "Who am I choosing to be?"
That question, repeated hundreds of times through this transition, builds the man you become on the other side.
Ready to dive deeper into ACT?
Visit Russ Harris's free resources: www.russharris.com/free-resources
Explore Steven Hayes's work: stevenchayes.com
Download The Choice Point worksheet: menonmasculinity.com/tools
Want to see ACT in action?
Read Men On Menopause to see how these principles apply specifically to supporting partners through menopause
Join the Men on Masculinity community for ongoing discussion and support
ACT isn't therapy. It's a practical framework for staying psychologically flexible when life gets difficult.
For men navigating their partner's menopause, that flexibility is the difference between relationships that fracture under pressure and relationships that emerge stronger.
You can't control the transition. But you can control who you become through it.
That's what ACT helps you do.